Be Prepared ….Revive Our Hearts, Nancy Leigh DeMoss

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Hi there Ladies,

I am listening to some back issues of Revive Our Hearts with the study going on about Proverbs 31.  This transcript was from March 2, 2007 and I just loved it....

Be Prepared
Series: The Counter-Cultural Woman: A Fresh Look at Proverbs 31

Friday, March 2 2007

Leslie Basham: “Be prepared.” It’s more than a motto; it’s a necessity. Here’s Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: We may be in this country facing some even more difficult days than what our nation has experienced in our lifetime. Are you thinking about how to prepare your children for suffering?

Leslie Basham: This is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. It’s Friday, March 2nd.

As winter fades, moms across the country are thinking, “Do my kids have enough clothes to wear this spring and summer?” It’s a surprisingly difficult job to get kids to the store to try things on or to pull boxes of hand-me-downs from the attic and organize them. But when you do provide in this way, you’re following a biblical model.

Today Nancy will explain why a wise woman prepares her family for what’s coming.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: I know that as we’ve been looking at this portrait of the virtuous woman, the excellent woman found in Proverbs 31, I know that all of us have felt challenged, and at points convicted, and at points overwhelmed at how far we have to go.

But I hope that you’ve also been encouraged and are experiencing hope as we look at the grace of God that He gives us to become the women God wants us to be. So don’t let this overwhelm you—or go home and say, “I’m going to be that woman if it kills me!” It will kill you if you’re trying to do this in your own effort. But by the grace of God, Christ living in us, living His life through us, all of us who are children of God will one day look like this woman.

This is a finished portrait. We’re a portrait in the making. But Proverbs 31 is the finished picture of what we will look like. So there’s hope no matter where you are in that process. And remember that spiritual maturity is not so much where you are as in the direction in which you’re headed.

I know that you have a heart for becoming this kind of woman. That’s why you’re here. That’s why you’re listening to these sessions, because this is the heart that you want to have.

Now we come in Proverbs 31 today to verse 21. We read that this woman, this virtuous, excellent wife, is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household is clothed with scarlet.

So here’s a woman that plans ahead, thinks ahead, and is prepared so that crises don’t catch her off guard. Now there’s a sense in which you can overdo this, and there’s a sense in which you cannot be prepared for some crisis. Some things hit you and there was no way of preparing.

But you can be preparing in your heart and in your life and in your walk with God so that when the crisis does come you have the wisdom and the understanding to know what God wants you to do when you’re faced with that situation.

So this woman—it’s speaking specifically here literally of cold weather—it doesn’t cause her to panic because she thought ahead and she’s prepared clothing for her family. It speaks of scarlet clothing. This is a picture of the dye that was used to produce a scarlet color. It was a very expensive dye, so this is good quality clothing. It’s costly, but she has made the investment. She’s made these clothes, remember, with her own hands.

But she has prepared so that her family will have their needs met when the time of crisis comes. She anticipated the needs of her family. This is another practical expression of a woman who fears the Lord.

You see, your relationship with God will affect every area of your life, including the way that you plan your schedule, the way that you think ahead about life. Now, here it's speaking of the obvious, literal way that she prepares so that her house will have their needs met in the time of winter or snow.

In making those literal physical preparations, she’s reflecting to her children, to her family, the heart of God. He is Jehovah Jireh, the God who provides. She’s showing her family what God looks like as she’s providing for them their clothing that they will need for the cold weather.

But there’s another sense by way of application that I think this passage speaks to us as women in the era of grace. That is that she has thought ahead about preparing her family for not just the winter snow in a literal sense, but also preparing them for the coming judgment, for coming crises between now and the judgment. She has thought ahead and planned and prayed and sought the Lord about how she can prepare her family for the days ahead.

We may be in this country facing some—and likely are facing—even more difficult days than what our nation has experienced in our lifetime. Are you thinking about how to prepare your children for suffering?

You say, “That’s not going to happen here.” If there is not repentance and revival in this nation, that will surely happen here. Now it may or may not be in the lifetime of you and your children, but we need to be preparing those that we love for what’s going to be coming.

Are you preparing your children for the difficulties and challenges of marriages, looking ahead and thinking how can you prepare them? Are you preparing them to know how to respond in times of loss? And are you preparing them, as I said a moment ago, for future judgment, to face Christ?

Are you praying and trusting God that your children in that day will be found clothed in the scarlet blood and righteousness of Jesus Christ? Because if they are not, then they will not be prepared for eternity and will spend eternity under the wrath and the righteous judgment of God.

So as you pray as a mom for those that you love, ask the Lord, “How can I be investing in their lives in a way that will help prepare them for what’s ahead, that will help prepare them for eternity?”

Now we see here some further talk about the clothing of this woman’s household. And we read about that already. But now we come in verse 22 to the first reference and really the only reference in this chapter to the woman doing anything for herself. And in the context, we can be sure that her motive is so that she can be a greater blessing to her family and to others.

Verse 22 tells us, “She makes tapestry for herself and her clothing is fine linen and purple.” The NIV translates that, “She makes coverings for her bed.” That first phrase in verse 22 is not about her own clothing. It’s about items that she makes for her house. Bed coverings is what is specifically being referred to there.

So as this passage is unfolded, she has been caring for the basics of food and clothing for her family, and now she turns to decorating her home and then to clothing herself. That’s kind of the order of priorities that unfolds in this passage.

Her relationship with her husband, of course, is primary over that with her children. She’s met the needs of food and clothing for her family. Then she thinks about the environment of her home, decorating her home.

That word tapestry or coverings speaks of home furnishings. It can be different kinds of home furnishings—rugs or coverlets, upholstery, quilts, pillows, blankets, drapes, wall hangings, tablecloths, place mats, napkins, towels, sheets. All these kinds of things this woman makes on her own, wanting to make her home a place of beauty and a haven where her family will be nurtured and blessed and cared for.

And again, not going to extremes and not so that our house can be something that is admired by everyone around us, but so that our house can have a climate that is conducive to spiritual growth and encouragement in the lives of others.

Then we see this first and only reference to her own clothing. Her clothing is fine linen and purple. I think if you take this verse in the context of the whole chapter, it becomes clear that her clothing is not her number one priority, but it is a priority.

Now the kind of clothing she has, made of fine linen and purple, gives evidence that this particular woman is from a “well-to-do” family. Linen is made from flax. It’s a high-quality fabric that this woman uses. And then purple, as we’ve said, is something that’s rare. It’s a costly dye that actually is extracted from shellfish in very minute amounts. So to make clothing of scarlet or purple is something that would have been done by royalty.

Of course, we know that Proverbs 31 are the words of a king who was teaching us what his mother taught him about looking for a bride who would be a queen. So there’s nothing wrong with having nice clothing, good-quality clothing, if God has provided and made that possible, and if that is appropriate to the position and the place in life that God has given you. Those things are not sinful.

What is sinful is to say, “We have to have expensive clothing,” or to look to expensive clothing to be what makes us attractive. The most expensive designer clothing put on the body of a woman who does not have a heart for God cannot make her beautiful—not truly beautiful.

Leslie Basham: As we look at the closets of our kids and ourselves and think about what we’ll need this summer, Nancy Leigh DeMoss has given some helpful, biblical advice. She’ll be right back with the second half of today’s program.

Nancy just touched on the concept of true beauty. It doesn’t come from clothing, but from inward qualities. We’re all bombarded by messages about beauty all the time, and we all need to grow in true beauty.

Every woman needs to think about this topic more deeply, and I hope you’ll read what Carolyn Mahaney has to say about it. She’s a pastor’s wife and speaker, and she’s written powerfully on the subject of true beauty in a book called Biblical Womanhood in the Home. Nancy Leigh DeMoss and other godly women also contributed to this helpful book.

If you’ve never contacted Revive Our Hearts before, we’d like to introduce ourselves better by sending you a copy at no charge. Just ask for Biblical Womanhood in the Home when you call us. The toll-free number is 1-800-569-5959, or look for the book at ReviveOurHearts.com.

Maybe you have contacted us before and would like this helpful resource. It’s yours when you make a much needed donation to Revive Our Hearts. You set the donation amount, and we’ll send you the book. Again, call 1-800-569-5959, or visit ReviveOurHearts.com.

As the weather turns from winter to spring and moms think through the clothing needs of their families, there is one huge challenge. When you go to the store, it’s so hard to find modest clothing. Nancy’s back to help you think through modesty, continuing in the series The Counter-Cultural Woman.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Did you know that the clothes that you wear talk? The way that we dress says a lot of things that our words may not say. Have you ever thought about what it is that you’re communicating to others—to your husband, to your children, to others in your church, to those who don’t know Christ? Have you thought about what is the message that you’re sending by the way that you dress?

We’ve been looking at the virtuous, the excellent, woman in Proverbs 31. We’ve come to verse 22, which is the only verse that says anything to us about her clothing. Now there are other verses about clothing. Those other verses refer to the clothing that she makes for her family. But in verse 22, we’re just given one little sentence. “Her clothing is fine linen and purple.”

We’re not told a lot about the details of how she dresses. But we do know as we put that verse with other verses in God’s Word that the way that we dress communicates a lot about our heart. Now you may not have realized that, and you may have been dressing in ways that communicate some things that are not true of your heart. And what you want to make sure of is that you have a right heart and that the way that you dress outwardly reflects that right, that virtuous heart.

Again, let me just stress all the way through this series on Proverbs 31—we start with the heart. We start with the internal matters. What matters most about this woman is that she reverences God, that she loves God and people and that she’s got a servant’s heart.

But the heart that she has does express itself outwardly in many different ways—in the way that she works and in the way that she uses her time and how she talks—we’ll come to that verse in a later session—and in this verse in the way that she dresses. It’s all a reflection of her heart.

Now this woman, as we said in the last session, does dress in a way that is fitting for her station in life. It’s appropriate. She’s a queen. One old-time author on the book of Proverbs (he’s written a wonderful commentary on the book of Proverbs) says about this matter of clothing that it is possible to pay too little as well as too much attention to the matter of clothing. And again, the enemy tends to send us to one extreme or the other.

The fact that we are inwardly adorned with spiritual graces, with a heart for God, does not mean that the external is unimportant. In fact, the more we have a heart for God, the more that should be reflected in many different ways externally.

This author, Charles Bridges, writing on the book of Proverbs says that, “The wife’s exterior, her appearance, should continue to be not less pleasing than when at first her husband’s heart was drawn to her.”1

That’s a good word of counsel for those of you who are married women. When you were courting or dating (whatever it was called or considered in those days) your husband, you thought about what you wore. And chances are you dressed in a way that you thought he would consider attractive. And this old-time writer says that your appearance should continue to be not less pleasing than when at first his heart was drawn to you.

So as you think about clothing as a married woman, it’s so important to be asking yourself, asking the Lord, and asking your husband what is attractive to him. What pleases him? It’s an unwise, a foolish woman, a self-centered woman who says, “I will dress the way I want to dress regardless of what my husband thinks.”

Your body isn’t your own. You aren’t your own. You are one. You belong to each other. And the heart of love, the heart of devotion, the unselfish heart says, “What would be attractive to you? What would be pleasing to you?”

As a wife it’s so important that you in every way seek to please your husband. And one of those ways is in the way that you dress. As I’ve said in earlier sessions on other matters, if you don’t tend to this matter, there are women who will be happy to dress in a way that will be pleasing to your husband. You can work to create an environment in which your husband is drawn to you and to your home, again for the glory of God.

Now, let me say that not only for married women, but for all of us as women, our clothing is a reflection of our character. We want to dress in a way that reveals the inner clothing. We’re going to see when we come to verse 25 that this woman has the clothing of strength and honor or dignity. There are ways that we are to clothe ourselves inwardly and matters of the heart. But we want that to be reflected in the way we dress.

Now you may not have, and this woman may not have, a closet full of clothes. But we do know that what she has is good quality; and it reflects the beauty and the excellence of God, and the beauty and the excellence of her heart and her character.

Because of what we read about this woman in the whole chapter, we know, we can assume safely, that she has invested time and effort not in making her clothing her first priority, but in making it a priority so it can reflect to others the beauty and the excellence of God and her heart for her family as well.

We can assume that she takes care of her clothing. We can assume that it is neat and that it is clean because that’s the way that this woman is all throughout the chapter. I think it’s not reading anything into the text to say that she cares about the details. But she’s not obsessed with details that are less important than other details. Some details matter more to her than others.

Again, God has to show us how to strike this balance. That’s where it’s so important to walk in the Spirit and not to let someone else tell you, “This is what this means for you.” Ask the Lord to show you how to walk in balance and how to be sensitive to what would be pleasing to the Lord for you at your season of life.

The way that you dress does send a message. It reflects on your own character. As I watch some of these young women today I think, “Don’t you realize the wonder that it is to be a woman? Don’t you know that God made you to be beautiful—beautiful in His eyes, beautiful in heart?”

The way that you dress reflects on others. In this passage, Proverbs 31, we see that everything that this woman does reflects on her husband. We’re going to see that he is known in the gates. He has a reputation. Everything about this woman has helped to enhance rather than to detract from her husband’s reputation. That includes her clothing.

The way that you dress reflects on your husband; it reflects on your children. And most importantly, it reflects on your God. We need to ask the Lord what’s pleasing to Him. This woman doesn’t want to embarrass her husband. She doesn’t want to reflect negatively on him, and nor does she want to draw inordinate attention to herself. It’s only as we walk in the Spirit and are sensitive to God’s work in our hearts that we know where that line is for us.

As we go to the Scripture, we see that the New Testament gives us some clear standards, both Old and New Testaments in fact, that our clothing is to be different from that of men, that there should be a distinction between women’s dress and men’s dress. When I’m talking about that I’m speaking even of hairstyles as well, that we want to dress in ways that are distinctively feminine.

Again, I can’t tell you exactly what that means in this culture and where you live and for your lifestyle, but I can say ask the Lord to show you how to dress in ways that are feminine. He made you a woman. Enjoy it.

First Timothy and Titus tell us that we should apply the standards of modesty, of soberness, what is proper, what is sensible, of moderation and of discretion.

So as you look into your closet, ask yourself (and if you’re married ask your husband to help you look at your wardrobe), “Lord, what message is being sent through the clothes that I wear? Am I dressing in a way that would seek to bring glory and attention to the Lord, or am I dressing in a way that seeks to bring attention to myself? Am I going to extremes, or am I dressing in way that is sober, proper, sensible as the New Testament says?”

It’s not the thing that matters most about the virtuous woman, but it’s one thing that does matter.

Leslie Basham: Nancy Leigh DeMoss has been discussing an issue that affects each of us as women.

What does my clothing say about the state of my heart? Have you ever asked yourself that question? Have you ever asked it while looking at your closet? It’s a very helpful question to ask, and Nancy’s written a booklet to guide you through the process. It’s called “The Look,” and it could transform the way you evaluate your clothing choices.

Thousands of women have benefited from this booklet, and they try to navigate confusing messages about fashion and modesty. Nancy writes from a balanced, biblical perspective, which you’ll find helpful. “The Look” is an easy read. It’ll take you through a series of true or false questions to get you thinking about the topic, show you what Scripture has to say, and then lead you to draw some conclusions for yourself as you consider your wardrobe.

As we enter March, it’s a perfect time to read this booklet, since stores gear up for the summer fashion season early. You can order “The Look” for yourself, but you might also want to read it with a daughter or another young woman in your life. It would be perfect for a small group of women at your church.

Get more information at ReviveOurHearts.com, or call 1-800-569-5959.

Whether you’re married or single, you can be a complement to the men around you. I don’t just mean giving compliments. I’m talking about being a complement. Find out how when Nancy picks up The Counter-Cultural Woman Monday. Now she’s back to pray.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Father, more than anything else we want to be women who are clothed with wisdom and purity and humility. We want to adorn Your gospel by the way that we carry ourselves, in the way that our hearts express themselves. But we also recognize that our literal, physical clothing communicates as well.

I pray that You would show us by the power of Your Holy Spirit how to dress, that You would give us wisdom in how Your Word should apply to our lives. Show us how to dress in ways that are womanly, modest, appropriate. And may always our motive be to draw glory to You so that the world can look at us and be drawn to You and say, “I want to know the God, the Lord, the Savior that she serves.” I pray in Jesus’ name, amen.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is an outreach of Life Action Ministries.

All Scripture is taken from the New King James Version.

1Charles Bridges, A Commentary on Proverbs (Carlisle, PA: Banner of Truth Trust, 1998).

 

After listening to the broadcast, there were two areas that really stuck out in my mind....

1)When Nancy talked about dressing nice for your husband and how you used to dress when you first met him or were dating.....Well, I can say that I used to dress really nice, I guess you could say I was trying to "catch" him so to speak....this was in my pre-Christian days....I dressed in nice skirts and tops and dresses...its just that the length of the skirts and dresses were only to mid thigh

Two years ago I became convicted about wearing skirts or dresses only.  And this whole time I have been wondering, basically because of discussions on an online group...were some of my skirts too fashionable.....yes I suppose some might consider that they are....I see a lot of discussion about what a lady's attire is or rather is not too be...and I see many lady stating that she isn't supposed to be a "fashion plate"...yet no one ever defines what a "fashion plate" is.....thankfully my husband has shared some of his desires in this area of attire and I have been able to follow them...but after listening to this broadcast I feel even more comfortable in his decision....

We were able to find a middle ground so to speak in our home....My husband loves it when I wear really pretty skirts....he is comfortable with me wearing long ones that either hit at "tea" length or go down to my feet.  I have found a fabulous store called Cold Water Creek that I peruse their clearance rack online for skirts and have found several great savings.  My husband wants me to look my best and I want to look my best for him, especially out in public, when we come across so many people that he knows because of his business.

I guess I always kind of struggled that if I was going to wear skirts only that they couldn't be bright, have patterns on them, couldn't be of anything other than denim or twill, etc.  Nancy really pointed out today that scripture shows her clothes were of fine linen....Phew what a relief...

The other point that really drew close to home was the heart aspect...and here again I was like phew!!  My heart desires so much to glorify God in every aspect of my life...He knows that I am not dressing pretty to show off to other women, to make myself look better than others, He knows that my heart is for him and for my husband...God knows that I desire to be a model of a Christian Lady and when they see my kept attire, they will know that she respects herself and Christ....

Revive Our Hearts, Transcript March 2, 2007

Pin It

Hi there Ladies,

I am listening to some back issues of Revive Our Hearts with the study going on about Proverbs 31.  This transcript was from March 2, 2007 and I just loved it....

Be Prepared
Series: The Counter-Cultural Woman: A Fresh Look at Proverbs 31

Friday, March 2 2007

Leslie Basham: “Be prepared.” It’s more than a motto; it’s a necessity. Here’s Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: We may be in this country facing some even more difficult days than what our nation has experienced in our lifetime. Are you thinking about how to prepare your children for suffering?

Leslie Basham: This is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. It’s Friday, March 2nd.

As winter fades, moms across the country are thinking, “Do my kids have enough clothes to wear this spring and summer?” It’s a surprisingly difficult job to get kids to the store to try things on or to pull boxes of hand-me-downs from the attic and organize them. But when you do provide in this way, you’re following a biblical model.

Today Nancy will explain why a wise woman prepares her family for what’s coming.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: I know that as we’ve been looking at this portrait of the virtuous woman, the excellent woman found in Proverbs 31, I know that all of us have felt challenged, and at points convicted, and at points overwhelmed at how far we have to go.

But I hope that you’ve also been encouraged and are experiencing hope as we look at the grace of God that He gives us to become the women God wants us to be. So don’t let this overwhelm you—or go home and say, “I’m going to be that woman if it kills me!” It will kill you if you’re trying to do this in your own effort. But by the grace of God, Christ living in us, living His life through us, all of us who are children of God will one day look like this woman.

This is a finished portrait. We’re a portrait in the making. But Proverbs 31 is the finished picture of what we will look like. So there’s hope no matter where you are in that process. And remember that spiritual maturity is not so much where you are as in the direction in which you’re headed.

I know that you have a heart for becoming this kind of woman. That’s why you’re here. That’s why you’re listening to these sessions, because this is the heart that you want to have.

Now we come in Proverbs 31 today to verse 21. We read that this woman, this virtuous, excellent wife, is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household is clothed with scarlet.

So here’s a woman that plans ahead, thinks ahead, and is prepared so that crises don’t catch her off guard. Now there’s a sense in which you can overdo this, and there’s a sense in which you cannot be prepared for some crisis. Some things hit you and there was no way of preparing.

But you can be preparing in your heart and in your life and in your walk with God so that when the crisis does come you have the wisdom and the understanding to know what God wants you to do when you’re faced with that situation.

So this woman—it’s speaking specifically here literally of cold weather—it doesn’t cause her to panic because she thought ahead and she’s prepared clothing for her family. It speaks of scarlet clothing. This is a picture of the dye that was used to produce a scarlet color. It was a very expensive dye, so this is good quality clothing. It’s costly, but she has made the investment. She’s made these clothes, remember, with her own hands.

But she has prepared so that her family will have their needs met when the time of crisis comes. She anticipated the needs of her family. This is another practical expression of a woman who fears the Lord.

You see, your relationship with God will affect every area of your life, including the way that you plan your schedule, the way that you think ahead about life. Now, here it's speaking of the obvious, literal way that she prepares so that her house will have their needs met in the time of winter or snow.

In making those literal physical preparations, she’s reflecting to her children, to her family, the heart of God. He is Jehovah Jireh, the God who provides. She’s showing her family what God looks like as she’s providing for them their clothing that they will need for the cold weather.

But there’s another sense by way of application that I think this passage speaks to us as women in the era of grace. That is that she has thought ahead about preparing her family for not just the winter snow in a literal sense, but also preparing them for the coming judgment, for coming crises between now and the judgment. She has thought ahead and planned and prayed and sought the Lord about how she can prepare her family for the days ahead.

We may be in this country facing some—and likely are facing—even more difficult days than what our nation has experienced in our lifetime. Are you thinking about how to prepare your children for suffering?

You say, “That’s not going to happen here.” If there is not repentance and revival in this nation, that will surely happen here. Now it may or may not be in the lifetime of you and your children, but we need to be preparing those that we love for what’s going to be coming.

Are you preparing your children for the difficulties and challenges of marriages, looking ahead and thinking how can you prepare them? Are you preparing them to know how to respond in times of loss? And are you preparing them, as I said a moment ago, for future judgment, to face Christ?

Are you praying and trusting God that your children in that day will be found clothed in the scarlet blood and righteousness of Jesus Christ? Because if they are not, then they will not be prepared for eternity and will spend eternity under the wrath and the righteous judgment of God.

So as you pray as a mom for those that you love, ask the Lord, “How can I be investing in their lives in a way that will help prepare them for what’s ahead, that will help prepare them for eternity?”

Now we see here some further talk about the clothing of this woman’s household. And we read about that already. But now we come in verse 22 to the first reference and really the only reference in this chapter to the woman doing anything for herself. And in the context, we can be sure that her motive is so that she can be a greater blessing to her family and to others.

Verse 22 tells us, “She makes tapestry for herself and her clothing is fine linen and purple.” The NIV translates that, “She makes coverings for her bed.” That first phrase in verse 22 is not about her own clothing. It’s about items that she makes for her house. Bed coverings is what is specifically being referred to there.

So as this passage is unfolded, she has been caring for the basics of food and clothing for her family, and now she turns to decorating her home and then to clothing herself. That’s kind of the order of priorities that unfolds in this passage.

Her relationship with her husband, of course, is primary over that with her children. She’s met the needs of food and clothing for her family. Then she thinks about the environment of her home, decorating her home.

That word tapestry or coverings speaks of home furnishings. It can be different kinds of home furnishings—rugs or coverlets, upholstery, quilts, pillows, blankets, drapes, wall hangings, tablecloths, place mats, napkins, towels, sheets. All these kinds of things this woman makes on her own, wanting to make her home a place of beauty and a haven where her family will be nurtured and blessed and cared for.

And again, not going to extremes and not so that our house can be something that is admired by everyone around us, but so that our house can have a climate that is conducive to spiritual growth and encouragement in the lives of others.

Then we see this first and only reference to her own clothing. Her clothing is fine linen and purple. I think if you take this verse in the context of the whole chapter, it becomes clear that her clothing is not her number one priority, but it is a priority.

Now the kind of clothing she has, made of fine linen and purple, gives evidence that this particular woman is from a “well-to-do” family. Linen is made from flax. It’s a high-quality fabric that this woman uses. And then purple, as we’ve said, is something that’s rare. It’s a costly dye that actually is extracted from shellfish in very minute amounts. So to make clothing of scarlet or purple is something that would have been done by royalty.

Of course, we know that Proverbs 31 are the words of a king who was teaching us what his mother taught him about looking for a bride who would be a queen. So there’s nothing wrong with having nice clothing, good-quality clothing, if God has provided and made that possible, and if that is appropriate to the position and the place in life that God has given you. Those things are not sinful.

What is sinful is to say, “We have to have expensive clothing,” or to look to expensive clothing to be what makes us attractive. The most expensive designer clothing put on the body of a woman who does not have a heart for God cannot make her beautiful—not truly beautiful.

Leslie Basham: As we look at the closets of our kids and ourselves and think about what we’ll need this summer, Nancy Leigh DeMoss has given some helpful, biblical advice. She’ll be right back with the second half of today’s program.

Nancy just touched on the concept of true beauty. It doesn’t come from clothing, but from inward qualities. We’re all bombarded by messages about beauty all the time, and we all need to grow in true beauty.

Every woman needs to think about this topic more deeply, and I hope you’ll read what Carolyn Mahaney has to say about it. She’s a pastor’s wife and speaker, and she’s written powerfully on the subject of true beauty in a book called Biblical Womanhood in the Home. Nancy Leigh DeMoss and other godly women also contributed to this helpful book.

If you’ve never contacted Revive Our Hearts before, we’d like to introduce ourselves better by sending you a copy at no charge. Just ask for Biblical Womanhood in the Home when you call us. The toll-free number is 1-800-569-5959, or look for the book at ReviveOurHearts.com.

Maybe you have contacted us before and would like this helpful resource. It’s yours when you make a much needed donation to Revive Our Hearts. You set the donation amount, and we’ll send you the book. Again, call 1-800-569-5959, or visit ReviveOurHearts.com.

As the weather turns from winter to spring and moms think through the clothing needs of their families, there is one huge challenge. When you go to the store, it’s so hard to find modest clothing. Nancy’s back to help you think through modesty, continuing in the series The Counter-Cultural Woman.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Did you know that the clothes that you wear talk? The way that we dress says a lot of things that our words may not say. Have you ever thought about what it is that you’re communicating to others—to your husband, to your children, to others in your church, to those who don’t know Christ? Have you thought about what is the message that you’re sending by the way that you dress?

We’ve been looking at the virtuous, the excellent, woman in Proverbs 31. We’ve come to verse 22, which is the only verse that says anything to us about her clothing. Now there are other verses about clothing. Those other verses refer to the clothing that she makes for her family. But in verse 22, we’re just given one little sentence. “Her clothing is fine linen and purple.”

We’re not told a lot about the details of how she dresses. But we do know as we put that verse with other verses in God’s Word that the way that we dress communicates a lot about our heart. Now you may not have realized that, and you may have been dressing in ways that communicate some things that are not true of your heart. And what you want to make sure of is that you have a right heart and that the way that you dress outwardly reflects that right, that virtuous heart.

Again, let me just stress all the way through this series on Proverbs 31—we start with the heart. We start with the internal matters. What matters most about this woman is that she reverences God, that she loves God and people and that she’s got a servant’s heart.

But the heart that she has does express itself outwardly in many different ways—in the way that she works and in the way that she uses her time and how she talks—we’ll come to that verse in a later session—and in this verse in the way that she dresses. It’s all a reflection of her heart.

Now this woman, as we said in the last session, does dress in a way that is fitting for her station in life. It’s appropriate. She’s a queen. One old-time author on the book of Proverbs (he’s written a wonderful commentary on the book of Proverbs) says about this matter of clothing that it is possible to pay too little as well as too much attention to the matter of clothing. And again, the enemy tends to send us to one extreme or the other.

The fact that we are inwardly adorned with spiritual graces, with a heart for God, does not mean that the external is unimportant. In fact, the more we have a heart for God, the more that should be reflected in many different ways externally.

This author, Charles Bridges, writing on the book of Proverbs says that, “The wife’s exterior, her appearance, should continue to be not less pleasing than when at first her husband’s heart was drawn to her.”1

That’s a good word of counsel for those of you who are married women. When you were courting or dating (whatever it was called or considered in those days) your husband, you thought about what you wore. And chances are you dressed in a way that you thought he would consider attractive. And this old-time writer says that your appearance should continue to be not less pleasing than when at first his heart was drawn to you.

So as you think about clothing as a married woman, it’s so important to be asking yourself, asking the Lord, and asking your husband what is attractive to him. What pleases him? It’s an unwise, a foolish woman, a self-centered woman who says, “I will dress the way I want to dress regardless of what my husband thinks.”

Your body isn’t your own. You aren’t your own. You are one. You belong to each other. And the heart of love, the heart of devotion, the unselfish heart says, “What would be attractive to you? What would be pleasing to you?”

As a wife it’s so important that you in every way seek to please your husband. And one of those ways is in the way that you dress. As I’ve said in earlier sessions on other matters, if you don’t tend to this matter, there are women who will be happy to dress in a way that will be pleasing to your husband. You can work to create an environment in which your husband is drawn to you and to your home, again for the glory of God.

Now, let me say that not only for married women, but for all of us as women, our clothing is a reflection of our character. We want to dress in a way that reveals the inner clothing. We’re going to see when we come to verse 25 that this woman has the clothing of strength and honor or dignity. There are ways that we are to clothe ourselves inwardly and matters of the heart. But we want that to be reflected in the way we dress.

Now you may not have, and this woman may not have, a closet full of clothes. But we do know that what she has is good quality; and it reflects the beauty and the excellence of God, and the beauty and the excellence of her heart and her character.

Because of what we read about this woman in the whole chapter, we know, we can assume safely, that she has invested time and effort not in making her clothing her first priority, but in making it a priority so it can reflect to others the beauty and the excellence of God and her heart for her family as well.

We can assume that she takes care of her clothing. We can assume that it is neat and that it is clean because that’s the way that this woman is all throughout the chapter. I think it’s not reading anything into the text to say that she cares about the details. But she’s not obsessed with details that are less important than other details. Some details matter more to her than others.

Again, God has to show us how to strike this balance. That’s where it’s so important to walk in the Spirit and not to let someone else tell you, “This is what this means for you.” Ask the Lord to show you how to walk in balance and how to be sensitive to what would be pleasing to the Lord for you at your season of life.

The way that you dress does send a message. It reflects on your own character. As I watch some of these young women today I think, “Don’t you realize the wonder that it is to be a woman? Don’t you know that God made you to be beautiful—beautiful in His eyes, beautiful in heart?”

The way that you dress reflects on others. In this passage, Proverbs 31, we see that everything that this woman does reflects on her husband. We’re going to see that he is known in the gates. He has a reputation. Everything about this woman has helped to enhance rather than to detract from her husband’s reputation. That includes her clothing.

The way that you dress reflects on your husband; it reflects on your children. And most importantly, it reflects on your God. We need to ask the Lord what’s pleasing to Him. This woman doesn’t want to embarrass her husband. She doesn’t want to reflect negatively on him, and nor does she want to draw inordinate attention to herself. It’s only as we walk in the Spirit and are sensitive to God’s work in our hearts that we know where that line is for us.

As we go to the Scripture, we see that the New Testament gives us some clear standards, both Old and New Testaments in fact, that our clothing is to be different from that of men, that there should be a distinction between women’s dress and men’s dress. When I’m talking about that I’m speaking even of hairstyles as well, that we want to dress in ways that are distinctively feminine.

Again, I can’t tell you exactly what that means in this culture and where you live and for your lifestyle, but I can say ask the Lord to show you how to dress in ways that are feminine. He made you a woman. Enjoy it.

First Timothy and Titus tell us that we should apply the standards of modesty, of soberness, what is proper, what is sensible, of moderation and of discretion.

So as you look into your closet, ask yourself (and if you’re married ask your husband to help you look at your wardrobe), “Lord, what message is being sent through the clothes that I wear? Am I dressing in a way that would seek to bring glory and attention to the Lord, or am I dressing in a way that seeks to bring attention to myself? Am I going to extremes, or am I dressing in way that is sober, proper, sensible as the New Testament says?”

It’s not the thing that matters most about the virtuous woman, but it’s one thing that does matter.

Leslie Basham: Nancy Leigh DeMoss has been discussing an issue that affects each of us as women.

What does my clothing say about the state of my heart? Have you ever asked yourself that question? Have you ever asked it while looking at your closet? It’s a very helpful question to ask, and Nancy’s written a booklet to guide you through the process. It’s called “The Look,” and it could transform the way you evaluate your clothing choices.

Thousands of women have benefited from this booklet, and they try to navigate confusing messages about fashion and modesty. Nancy writes from a balanced, biblical perspective, which you’ll find helpful. “The Look” is an easy read. It’ll take you through a series of true or false questions to get you thinking about the topic, show you what Scripture has to say, and then lead you to draw some conclusions for yourself as you consider your wardrobe.

As we enter March, it’s a perfect time to read this booklet, since stores gear up for the summer fashion season early. You can order “The Look” for yourself, but you might also want to read it with a daughter or another young woman in your life. It would be perfect for a small group of women at your church.

Get more information at ReviveOurHearts.com, or call 1-800-569-5959.

Whether you’re married or single, you can be a complement to the men around you. I don’t just mean giving compliments. I’m talking about being a complement. Find out how when Nancy picks up The Counter-Cultural Woman Monday. Now she’s back to pray.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Father, more than anything else we want to be women who are clothed with wisdom and purity and humility. We want to adorn Your gospel by the way that we carry ourselves, in the way that our hearts express themselves. But we also recognize that our literal, physical clothing communicates as well.

I pray that You would show us by the power of Your Holy Spirit how to dress, that You would give us wisdom in how Your Word should apply to our lives. Show us how to dress in ways that are womanly, modest, appropriate. And may always our motive be to draw glory to You so that the world can look at us and be drawn to You and say, “I want to know the God, the Lord, the Savior that she serves.” I pray in Jesus’ name, amen.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is an outreach of Life Action Ministries.

All Scripture is taken from the New King James Version.

1Charles Bridges, A Commentary on Proverbs (Carlisle, PA: Banner of Truth Trust, 1998).

After listening to the broadcast, there were two areas that really stuck out in my mind....

1)When Nancy talked about dressing nice for your husband and how you used to dress when you first met him or were dating.....Well, I can say that I used to dress really nice, I guess you could say I was trying to "catch" him so to speak....this was in my pre-Christian days....I dressed in nice skirts and tops and dresses...its just that the length of the skirts and dresses were only to mid thigh

Two years ago I became convicted about wearing skirts or dresses only.  And this whole time I have been wondering, basically because of discussions on an online group...were some of my skirts too fashionable.....yes I suppose some might consider that they are....I see a lot of discussion about what a lady's attire is or rather is not too be...and I see many lady stating that she isn't supposed to be a "fashion plate"...yet no one ever defines what a "fashion plate" is.....thankfully my husband has shared some of his desires in this area of attire and I have been able to follow them...but after listening to this broadcast I feel even more comfortable in his decision....

We were able to find a middle ground so to speak in our home....My husband loves it when I wear really pretty skirts....he is comfortable with me wearing long ones that either hit at "tea" length or go down to my feet.  I have found a fabulous store called Cold Water Creek that I peruse their clearance rack online for skirts and have found several great savings.  My husband wants me to look my best and I want to look my best for him, especially out in public, when we come across so many people that he knows because of his business.

I guess I always kind of struggled that if I was going to wear skirts only that they couldn't be bright, have patterns on them, couldn't be of anything other than denim or twill, etc.  Nancy really pointed out today that scripture shows her clothes were of fine linen....Phew what a relief...

The other point that really drew close to home was the heart aspect...and here again I was like phew!!  My heart desires so much to glorify God in every aspect of my life...He knows that I am not dressing pretty to show off to other women, to make myself look better than others, He knows that my heart is for him and for my husband...God knows that I desire to be a model of a Christian Lady and when they see my kept attire, they will know that she respects herself and Christ....

Image deleted...sorry...xanga put a cap on photo's and I had delete some older ones.

Measured Words ….Revive Our Hearts Nancy Leigh DeMoss

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Well, this has stuck with me since I read it on Friday and was so important to me that I thought I would share here with anyone else....

How many of us have a different tone outside the home as opposed to inside the home when the doors are closed.  Can you honestly say that every time your children do something out in public i.e. mis-behaving....and you are gracious to them in front of strangers, friends, family, acquaintances....that you are just as gracious to them when you are just by yourselves at home....

Enjoy this transcript today and may it bless you in some way.

Measured Words
Series: The Counter-Cultural Woman: A Fresh Look at Proverbs 31

Friday, March 9 2007

Leslie Basham: Why does it seem to be easier to tear down a home than to build it up? Here’s Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: No matter how well you can cook and clean and sew, no matter how clean your house is, no matter how beautifully decorated your home may be, you can destroy it all with one little instrument called the tongue.

Leslie: This is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. It’s Friday, March 9th.

What would happen if you were trying a new recipe, but you didn’t measure anything—you just threw in whatever amount of ingredients you felt like? It would be a disaster. If flour and sugar are worth measuring, how much more important is it to measure our words? Learn to speak carefully as Nancy continues in a series called The Counter-Cultural Woman, based on Proverbs 31.

Nancy: What if I were to tell you that for the past week we have had a little recorder going in your home, and it’s picked up everything that has been said in your home in the past week—everything your kids said, yep, everything your husband said, and everything that you said. We’ve managed to obtain the tapes, and we’re going to play them on Revive Our Hearts for everyone else to hear. Do we have any takers? I don’t think so.

You know, it’s a sobering thing to me to realize that everything I say is being recorded—that God is recording. Isn’t it sad that we’re so much more careful about the words that we say outside our homes than often we are inside our homes?

Proverbs 31—we’ve been looking at that passage for what seems like, well, it’s been weeks, and I’m encouraging you, if you haven’t started, to take that passage and to begin to read it every day for 31 days. If you’re in the middle of taking that challenge, don’t give up. Stay in there and let God continue to speak to your heart through that passage over these weeks.

We come to verse 26 today where we’re told that this virtuous woman opens her mouth. Now, this is the first verse that says anything about this woman talking. That should tell us something. This is not a woman who talks too much. She’s not known for her talking.

There are other qualities that she’s known for—her servant’s heart, her compassion, her tenderness, her diligence—but when people think of this woman, it’s not what she talks about that’s the first thing that comes to mind. “She opens her mouth with wisdom, And on her tongue is the law of kindness.” 

I love this verse. Well, maybe I shouldn’t say I love this verse. What I really mean is, I need this verse, and it’s a verse in Proverbs 31, probably more than any other, that I come back to over and over again. “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law [or the teaching] of kindness”—wisdom and kindness.

Now, let me just give us a little context here. First of all, we’re talking about a woman who’s being described primarily in the context of her home. Now that’s not the only place she is, but she’s a woman whose life centers around her home.

We’re talking here not just about the way she talks when she’s at church, not just the way she talks when she comes to a Revive Our Hearts recording session, but the way that she talks when she’s at home with her husband, with her children, or some of you, perhaps, with roommates, or living with extended family members or in other living situations, but this is the way she talks in her closest circle of friends and relatives.

So many of us talk in ways outside our homes that we don’t think to talk inside our homes. How can I encourage? How can I speak words that lift up? I find that when I go to visit my family—I live alone, but when I go to visit my family, I find that often-times I don’t have the common courtesies with them that I do with people outside my family.

Then there are things I do say in the context of my home that I would never think of saying outside the context of my home—in the way that I react. If a guest comes into my home and spills some liquid soap on the carpet, or whatever, and they’re feeling very terrible about doing it, I’m just, “Don’t worry about it. It’s no problem.”

Let somebody in my home or in my workplace or somebody that I’m close to get into my space or annoy me or do something that I find—that bothers me—and I’m going to be quicker to point it out, quicker to be critical, quicker to speak words that are not wise or kind. This is a verse that we’re probably quicker to apply outside our homes than we are in the place where it matters most, and that’s where we live every day.

I want to say that no matter how many domestic skills you have, no matter how well you can cook and clean and sew, no matter how creative you are, no matter how efficient and organized you are in your home, no matter how capable you are in your workplace or in your home environment, no matter how clean your house is, no matter how beautifully decorated your home may be, you can destroy it all with one little instrument called the tongue.

It’s a scary thing to think what damage we women do with our tongues, and that’s why I have to go back to this verse over and over and over again and say, “Lord, make me the kind of woman who opens my mouth with wisdom and on my tongue is the law or the teaching of kindness.”

Now this requires . . . To be this kind of woman, it requires self-control. Our problem is that so often we don’t have self-control, so we just say whatever we think. Especially when we’re with people that we know really well, we just let down our hair, and we’re not so conscious about what we’re saying. We live in a day and age where it’s encouraged to just be open; just be authentic; just say your feelings.

Listen, the fact that you think it or that you feel it doesn’t necessarily mean that you should say it. Now, I’m not promoting dishonesty. I’m not promoting hypocrisy, but I’m saying there are some things I feel that I don’t need to say.

You say, “But my kids do it.” Where are your kids learning to do it? Now, your kids need to be trained, and I’m not saying the fact that they are unrestrained means necessarily that you are. I’m going to tell you, if you want to develop children who have self-control with their tongues, one of the things that will help a lot is for them to have a mom who lets the Spirit control her tongue.

Here’s a woman, “She opens her mouth.” It’s a sense that she does this deliberately. She opens her mouth when she has something to say that needs to be said. She’s a woman who speaks words that are measured. They’re thought through before she says them. Her mouth isn’t always open.

Now if we’re going to be women who speak with wisdom and kindness, that means we have to have a wise, kind heart because our words reflect our hearts. You don’t just wake up one morning and have a wise, kind heart. That has to be cultivated. It has to be tended. It has to be developed.

Jesus said, “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Matthew 12:34). So what comes out of my mouth? If we were to take that recording that I told you we had in your home last week—you say, “Well I didn’t mean all that stuff.” You know what’s really sad? It all came out of the heart. It did.

It reflects my heart, so if I want my words to be different, I need to say, “Lord, I need a different heart. I need You to change my heart.” That may require repentance. It may mean acknowledging first to the Lord and then to your husband, to your children, “I’ve not had words that are wise and kind, and it’s been a reflection of a heart that’s angry or impatient. Please forgive me,” and allowing the Lord to change you.

He can, and He will give you that kind of heart. It doesn’t come overnight, but as we allow Him to mold us and shape us and change our hearts, then what comes out of our mouths will reflect the repentant, kind, wise heart that God has put in us.

Leslie: What kind of words have been coming out of your mouth today? What do those words reveal about your heart? Nancy Leigh DeMoss will be right back to tell us more about speaking carefully. She’s teaching through Proverbs 31, which has so much to offer us as women.

Proverbs 31 will give you wisdom about time and money. It will help you think ahead and organize your home, and as we heard today, it will help you speak wisely. Nancy Leigh DeMoss covers all these topics and a lot more in her teaching series called The Counter-Cultural Woman.

She’s walking verse-by-verse through Proverbs 31 and drawing out insights I’ve never heard before. I think you’ll find the same thing as you listen. To get the most out of this teaching, order the series on ten CDs. You can also order the complete series on one MP3 CD. It contains the exact same material, but the files are designed for your computer or iPod.

Either way, you’ll hear longer teaching sessions from Nancy. We have to edit down her messages for the radio, but you can hear them complete when you order the CDs. Look for The Counter-Cultural Woman at ReviveOurHearts.com, or call 1-800-569-5959. Let’s get back to Nancy, Proverbs 31, and The Counter-Cultural Woman.

Nancy: Well, we’re on a subject that always makes me a little bit uncomfortable, and it needs to. In a sense, I hope it makes you uncomfortable because we as women need a constant reminder from God’s Word about the words that we speak.

We’re looking at Proverbs chapter 31, verse 26, which for me is one of the most convicting verses in this whole passage. It’s talking about the way that she uses her tongue. “She opens her mouth with wisdom,” the Scripture says. This virtuous woman, this woman of excellent character, when she does open her mouth to speak, it’s with words of wisdom, “And on her tongue is the law, [or the teaching] of kindness.”

Some of you are homeschooling your children. Any of you who have children are teaching your children, whether you realize it or not, and you’re teaching them a lot. You’re teaching them a lot about life, but you know, you’re teaching them more sometimes when you don’t realize you’re teaching than even when you’re sitting down in a more formal, structured time to say, “This is our class-time.”

When you teach your children, is it with the teaching of kindness? When you correct them—which, they need to be corrected, by the way. That doesn’t mean that you don’t ever say hard things to your children. But when you correct them, when you point out things in their lives that need to be changed, do you do it with kindness?

If you’re reacting to their actions, you’re going to find yourself not teaching with wisdom and kindness, but if you can step back from the situation and get God’s perspective on it, then you can be controlled by the Spirit of God. You don’t have to be lashing out. You don’t have to be angry.

You don’t have to be saying things you’ll wish you hadn’t said because you’re under the control of God’s Spirit. That’s why it’s so important that before we start our day, before we open our mouths to speak to others, that we first get into God’s presence and let His Word come into our hearts, into our minds, so that when we open our mouths to speak, what we say will be controlled by what’s filling us, which is the Word and the Spirit of God.

You need wisdom as a woman. How do you get it? Well, the Scripture says, “The LORD gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding,” Proverbs chapter two (verse 6).

You want to be able to have wisdom to speak to others? Then you’ve got to get into this Book and get this Book into you so that you know how to speak a godly word in due season. You know how to speak words that will minister grace to the hearer and will minister to the need of the moment.

If you want words that are kind, you need to be filled with the Holy Spirit. What’s the fruit of the Spirit?—love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness. You say, “My children are acting in such a way. These people I work with are acting in such a way. It’s just so hard to respond in kindness.

It may be impossible for you, but it’s not impossible for God. His Holy Spirit lives inside of you, so He’s able in those moments to give you a response that is one of kindness.

Now let me say as I said before in other sessions, that doesn’t mean you’ll never blow it. You will blow it. I blow it. Now the problem is, once we’ve said it, we’ve said it; but having said it, go back and make it right.

Go back to the Lord and say, “Please forgive me. That wasn’t kind. That wasn’t wise. That wasn’t true. That wasn’t necessary,” whatever is the principle of God’s Word you violated, and then if you’ve said it to someone else, whether it’s your mate or your children or a fellow-worker or somebody at church, go back and make it right.

Humble yourself, and you’ll find, if you humble yourself every time you sin with your mouth, you’ll start to sin less frequently with your mouth. Stop before your speak. Think and edit before you speak. That may just mean saying less.

A woman wrote me recently, and she said, “I was convicted about my ‘little sin’ when I read the transcript of one of your programs on Revive Our Hearts.” She said, “Right now there’s some tension between my teenage daughter and me, and I have a tendency to use too many words.” We can all relate to this, whether you have teenagers or not.

She said, “I never really considered my over-use of words to be sin, but now I see that too many of them surely lead to sin. From now on, before I utter one word to my daughter, I want to consult with God for the few, right words to say. I believe this insight will help to restore a right relationship between my daughter and me.”

See, this is important, and that’s a wise woman. You know what else that is? That’s a repenting woman. That’s what we all need to be—repenters—not just past tense, “I repented when I got saved,” but repenting today when I sin with my tongue and with my lips, when my spirit and the way in which I say the words isn’t appropriate. If I say too many words—repenting, saying, “Lord, fill me with Your Spirit afresh. Give me words of wisdom to speak."

By the way, I just referenced the way that we say what we say. Especially in our homes, that tone of voice is really important. Kindness is not just what you say. It’s how you say it.

The danger with speaking too quickly is that oftentimes we speak out of the anger of the moment, the irritation of the moment, without stopping to let God first settle our hearts. That’s why it’s not a bad idea to stop and count to ten before we open our mouth—but to say it with a tone that is kind.

Listen, your children will be far more responsive to your instruction if it comes with a kind tone. I know that it’s real easy when you’re with these same people all the time to start to get in a tone that’s nagging, that’s unpleasant, that’s critical, that’s demanding, that’s controlling, but that’s where we need to let the Lord give us His Spirit so that when we speak, those words will reflect that kind tone.

I quoted several sessions ago a passage about Sarah Edwards, who was the mother of eleven and the wife of Jonathan Edwards—who was a leader in the First Great Awakening.

This writer says that, “Sarah made it her rule to speak well of all so far as she could, with truth and justice to herself and others. She was not prone to dwell with delight on the imperfections and failings of any, and when she heard other people speaking ill of others, she would say what she thought she could with truth and justice in their excuse or divert the slander by mentioning those things that were commendable in them.”

In other words, if she heard somebody saying something unkind about someone else, she would try and change the conversation or divert the conversation or to say something encouraging about that person.

“Thus, she was careful of everyone’s character, even of those who injured and spoke evil of her. She could bear injuries and reproach with great calmness, without any disposition to render evil for evil, but on the contrary, she was ready to pity and forgive those who appeared to be her enemies.”

What a commitment—to speak well of all! That’s what the Scripture says we should do. In fact, Proverbs tells us that if you are the kind of woman who is contentious and critical with your tongue, that you will drive your family to the place where they would rather live on the roof or in an attic or out in a desert by themselves than to live in the same house with you.

I’ve been reading through the book of Proverbs recently, and this thing about contentious women has really been striking me—argumentative women, always debating, always arguing, not opening their mouth with wisdom and with kindness. You can drive your husband and your children and your friends away if you have that kind of spirit and that kind of tongue, so before you speak, ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say wise? Is it worth saying? Does it need to be said?”

You say, “My family won’t even know who I am if I start living this way.” Well, that’s okay. It will have an influence on them, too. Is it wise, and is it kind? Will it edify? Will it build up? Will it refresh my family members? Will it encourage them?

It’s important that you do say things that do encourage. Don’t just think, “Boy, I’ve got to go home, and now I can’t open my mouth. Now that I’ve heard this session, I can’t say anything else in my family.”

No, there are things you do need to say. Someone came up to me on a break just now and spoke encouraging words about what God was doing through the ministry of Revive Our Hearts. They stopped. They spoke words of encouragement. You need to do that with your family.

When’s the last time you affirmed—you praised—your husband? You need to praise your children when you see qualities in them that are worthy of praise—just simple words like “thank you.” “I appreciate that.” “Thank you for serving me in that way.” “Thank you for blessing me in that way.” “I really appreciated it when you did this.”

You know, you do so much more instruction, effective instruction, with that kind of language, than with words that are critical and tear down, so if it doesn’t meet those qualifications, if it’s not wise, if it’s not kind, don’t say it. Don’t say it.

Leslie: I think we’ll all be able to use that wise advice from Nancy Leigh DeMoss today, maybe within the next hour. While you’re learning to avoid words that tear other people down, would you also do something else? Share Revive Our Hearts with a friend. Use your words to tell them about a program that’ll build them up.
When I get together with a group of women, conversation naturally moves to topics like: “Who cut your hair?” “Where do you find clothes for your kids?” and, “What pediatrician do you use?” Well, along with making recommendation in hair stylists, doctors, and stores, why not tell your friends where to find practical, biblical teaching that will change their lives?

At ReviveOurHearts.com you’ll find a lot of helpful resources for spreading the word about this program. You can send a Revive Our Hearts e-card, or you can email a transcript. You’ll find details on these ideas and a lot more at ReviveOurHearts.com.

Here’s another great way to introduce your friend to one of the core messages of Revive Our Hearts. If your friend has never contacted us before, we’ll send her a book written by Nancy and some other wise, Godly women. It’s called Biblical Womanhood in the Home.

During our current series, if your friend has never gotten in touch with us, we’ll send them a free copy when they call 1-800-569-5959. They can also look for it at ReviveOurHearts.com, and of course, if you’ve never contacted Revive Our Hearts, you could get the book at no cost to you. If you have contacted us, we appreciate it so much, and you can ask for this helpful book when you make a donation of any amount.

Growing up, did you feel like your mom had eyes in the back of her head? That’s actually a mark of wisdom, and we’ll hear about it on Monday. Now, here’s Nancy to pray that we’ll learn to speak words of kindness and wisdom.

Nancy: Father, we really, really, really need Your help in this. We can’t do this on our own, and we’re around people who know just how to push our buttons. Often it’s the people we live with that are where it’s the hardest for us to apply this.

Lord, it’s not so hard for us sitting in this group, being with women who love the Lord and have a common interest in spiritual matters. It’s not hard here to speak words of wisdom and kindness, but I know some of these women are going back into homes where they have family members who don’t speak with wisdom and with kindness, where things are being said to them that are critical and unkind and hurtful.

It’s going to take all the power of Your Holy Spirit for those women to speak back words that are wise and kind, but you can do that in us and through us. We pray that you would for Jesus’ sake, amen.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is an outreach of Life Action Ministries.

All Scripture is taken from the New King James Version.

Copyright © 2005 Revive Our Hearts

Friday’s Transcript…Revive Our Hearts…

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Well, this has stuck with me since I read it on Friday and was so important to me that I thought I would share here with anyone else....

How many of us have a different tone outside the home as opposed to inside the home when the doors are closed.  Can you honestly say that every time your children do something out in public i.e. mis-behaving....and you are gracious to them in front of strangers, friends, family, acquaintances....that you are just as gracious to them when you are just by yourselves at home....

Enjoy this transcript today and may it bless you in some way.

Measured Words
Series: The Counter-Cultural Woman: A Fresh Look at Proverbs 31

Friday, March 9 2007

Leslie Basham: Why does it seem to be easier to tear down a home than to build it up? Here’s Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: No matter how well you can cook and clean and sew, no matter how clean your house is, no matter how beautifully decorated your home may be, you can destroy it all with one little instrument called the tongue.

Leslie: This is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. It’s Friday, March 9th.

What would happen if you were trying a new recipe, but you didn’t measure anything—you just threw in whatever amount of ingredients you felt like? It would be a disaster. If flour and sugar are worth measuring, how much more important is it to measure our words? Learn to speak carefully as Nancy continues in a series called The Counter-Cultural Woman, based on Proverbs 31.

Nancy: What if I were to tell you that for the past week we have had a little recorder going in your home, and it’s picked up everything that has been said in your home in the past week—everything your kids said, yep, everything your husband said, and everything that you said. We’ve managed to obtain the tapes, and we’re going to play them on Revive Our Hearts for everyone else to hear. Do we have any takers? I don’t think so.

You know, it’s a sobering thing to me to realize that everything I say is being recorded—that God is recording. Isn’t it sad that we’re so much more careful about the words that we say outside our homes than often we are inside our homes?

Proverbs 31—we’ve been looking at that passage for what seems like, well, it’s been weeks, and I’m encouraging you, if you haven’t started, to take that passage and to begin to read it every day for 31 days. If you’re in the middle of taking that challenge, don’t give up. Stay in there and let God continue to speak to your heart through that passage over these weeks.

We come to verse 26 today where we’re told that this virtuous woman opens her mouth. Now, this is the first verse that says anything about this woman talking. That should tell us something. This is not a woman who talks too much. She’s not known for her talking.

There are other qualities that she’s known for—her servant’s heart, her compassion, her tenderness, her diligence—but when people think of this woman, it’s not what she talks about that’s the first thing that comes to mind. “She opens her mouth with wisdom, And on her tongue is the law of kindness.” 

I love this verse. Well, maybe I shouldn’t say I love this verse. What I really mean is, I need this verse, and it’s a verse in Proverbs 31, probably more than any other, that I come back to over and over again. “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law [or the teaching] of kindness”—wisdom and kindness.

Now, let me just give us a little context here. First of all, we’re talking about a woman who’s being described primarily in the context of her home. Now that’s not the only place she is, but she’s a woman whose life centers around her home.

We’re talking here not just about the way she talks when she’s at church, not just the way she talks when she comes to a Revive Our Hearts recording session, but the way that she talks when she’s at home with her husband, with her children, or some of you, perhaps, with roommates, or living with extended family members or in other living situations, but this is the way she talks in her closest circle of friends and relatives.

So many of us talk in ways outside our homes that we don’t think to talk inside our homes. How can I encourage? How can I speak words that lift up? I find that when I go to visit my family—I live alone, but when I go to visit my family, I find that often-times I don’t have the common courtesies with them that I do with people outside my family.

Then there are things I do say in the context of my home that I would never think of saying outside the context of my home—in the way that I react. If a guest comes into my home and spills some liquid soap on the carpet, or whatever, and they’re feeling very terrible about doing it, I’m just, “Don’t worry about it. It’s no problem.”

Let somebody in my home or in my workplace or somebody that I’m close to get into my space or annoy me or do something that I find—that bothers me—and I’m going to be quicker to point it out, quicker to be critical, quicker to speak words that are not wise or kind. This is a verse that we’re probably quicker to apply outside our homes than we are in the place where it matters most, and that’s where we live every day.

I want to say that no matter how many domestic skills you have, no matter how well you can cook and clean and sew, no matter how creative you are, no matter how efficient and organized you are in your home, no matter how capable you are in your workplace or in your home environment, no matter how clean your house is, no matter how beautifully decorated your home may be, you can destroy it all with one little instrument called the tongue.

It’s a scary thing to think what damage we women do with our tongues, and that’s why I have to go back to this verse over and over and over again and say, “Lord, make me the kind of woman who opens my mouth with wisdom and on my tongue is the law or the teaching of kindness.”

Now this requires . . . To be this kind of woman, it requires self-control. Our problem is that so often we don’t have self-control, so we just say whatever we think. Especially when we’re with people that we know really well, we just let down our hair, and we’re not so conscious about what we’re saying. We live in a day and age where it’s encouraged to just be open; just be authentic; just say your feelings.

Listen, the fact that you think it or that you feel it doesn’t necessarily mean that you should say it. Now, I’m not promoting dishonesty. I’m not promoting hypocrisy, but I’m saying there are some things I feel that I don’t need to say.

You say, “But my kids do it.” Where are your kids learning to do it? Now, your kids need to be trained, and I’m not saying the fact that they are unrestrained means necessarily that you are. I’m going to tell you, if you want to develop children who have self-control with their tongues, one of the things that will help a lot is for them to have a mom who lets the Spirit control her tongue.

Here’s a woman, “She opens her mouth.” It’s a sense that she does this deliberately. She opens her mouth when she has something to say that needs to be said. She’s a woman who speaks words that are measured. They’re thought through before she says them. Her mouth isn’t always open.

Now if we’re going to be women who speak with wisdom and kindness, that means we have to have a wise, kind heart because our words reflect our hearts. You don’t just wake up one morning and have a wise, kind heart. That has to be cultivated. It has to be tended. It has to be developed.

Jesus said, “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Matthew 12:34). So what comes out of my mouth? If we were to take that recording that I told you we had in your home last week—you say, “Well I didn’t mean all that stuff.” You know what’s really sad? It all came out of the heart. It did.

It reflects my heart, so if I want my words to be different, I need to say, “Lord, I need a different heart. I need You to change my heart.” That may require repentance. It may mean acknowledging first to the Lord and then to your husband, to your children, “I’ve not had words that are wise and kind, and it’s been a reflection of a heart that’s angry or impatient. Please forgive me,” and allowing the Lord to change you.

He can, and He will give you that kind of heart. It doesn’t come overnight, but as we allow Him to mold us and shape us and change our hearts, then what comes out of our mouths will reflect the repentant, kind, wise heart that God has put in us.

Leslie: What kind of words have been coming out of your mouth today? What do those words reveal about your heart? Nancy Leigh DeMoss will be right back to tell us more about speaking carefully. She’s teaching through Proverbs 31, which has so much to offer us as women.

Proverbs 31 will give you wisdom about time and money. It will help you think ahead and organize your home, and as we heard today, it will help you speak wisely. Nancy Leigh DeMoss covers all these topics and a lot more in her teaching series called The Counter-Cultural Woman.

She’s walking verse-by-verse through Proverbs 31 and drawing out insights I’ve never heard before. I think you’ll find the same thing as you listen. To get the most out of this teaching, order the series on ten CDs. You can also order the complete series on one MP3 CD. It contains the exact same material, but the files are designed for your computer or iPod.

Either way, you’ll hear longer teaching sessions from Nancy. We have to edit down her messages for the radio, but you can hear them complete when you order the CDs. Look for The Counter-Cultural Woman at ReviveOurHearts.com, or call 1-800-569-5959. Let’s get back to Nancy, Proverbs 31, and The Counter-Cultural Woman.

Nancy: Well, we’re on a subject that always makes me a little bit uncomfortable, and it needs to. In a sense, I hope it makes you uncomfortable because we as women need a constant reminder from God’s Word about the words that we speak.

We’re looking at Proverbs chapter 31, verse 26, which for me is one of the most convicting verses in this whole passage. It’s talking about the way that she uses her tongue. “She opens her mouth with wisdom,” the Scripture says. This virtuous woman, this woman of excellent character, when she does open her mouth to speak, it’s with words of wisdom, “And on her tongue is the law, [or the teaching] of kindness.”

Some of you are homeschooling your children. Any of you who have children are teaching your children, whether you realize it or not, and you’re teaching them a lot. You’re teaching them a lot about life, but you know, you’re teaching them more sometimes when you don’t realize you’re teaching than even when you’re sitting down in a more formal, structured time to say, “This is our class-time.”

When you teach your children, is it with the teaching of kindness? When you correct them—which, they need to be corrected, by the way. That doesn’t mean that you don’t ever say hard things to your children. But when you correct them, when you point out things in their lives that need to be changed, do you do it with kindness?

If you’re reacting to their actions, you’re going to find yourself not teaching with wisdom and kindness, but if you can step back from the situation and get God’s perspective on it, then you can be controlled by the Spirit of God. You don’t have to be lashing out. You don’t have to be angry.

You don’t have to be saying things you’ll wish you hadn’t said because you’re under the control of God’s Spirit. That’s why it’s so important that before we start our day, before we open our mouths to speak to others, that we first get into God’s presence and let His Word come into our hearts, into our minds, so that when we open our mouths to speak, what we say will be controlled by what’s filling us, which is the Word and the Spirit of God.

You need wisdom as a woman. How do you get it? Well, the Scripture says, “The LORD gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding,” Proverbs chapter two (verse 6).

You want to be able to have wisdom to speak to others? Then you’ve got to get into this Book and get this Book into you so that you know how to speak a godly word in due season. You know how to speak words that will minister grace to the hearer and will minister to the need of the moment.

If you want words that are kind, you need to be filled with the Holy Spirit. What’s the fruit of the Spirit?—love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness. You say, “My children are acting in such a way. These people I work with are acting in such a way. It’s just so hard to respond in kindness.

It may be impossible for you, but it’s not impossible for God. His Holy Spirit lives inside of you, so He’s able in those moments to give you a response that is one of kindness.

Now let me say as I said before in other sessions, that doesn’t mean you’ll never blow it. You will blow it. I blow it. Now the problem is, once we’ve said it, we’ve said it; but having said it, go back and make it right.

Go back to the Lord and say, “Please forgive me. That wasn’t kind. That wasn’t wise. That wasn’t true. That wasn’t necessary,” whatever is the principle of God’s Word you violated, and then if you’ve said it to someone else, whether it’s your mate or your children or a fellow-worker or somebody at church, go back and make it right.

Humble yourself, and you’ll find, if you humble yourself every time you sin with your mouth, you’ll start to sin less frequently with your mouth. Stop before your speak. Think and edit before you speak. That may just mean saying less.

A woman wrote me recently, and she said, “I was convicted about my ‘little sin’ when I read the transcript of one of your programs on Revive Our Hearts.” She said, “Right now there’s some tension between my teenage daughter and me, and I have a tendency to use too many words.” We can all relate to this, whether you have teenagers or not.

She said, “I never really considered my over-use of words to be sin, but now I see that too many of them surely lead to sin. From now on, before I utter one word to my daughter, I want to consult with God for the few, right words to say. I believe this insight will help to restore a right relationship between my daughter and me.”

See, this is important, and that’s a wise woman. You know what else that is? That’s a repenting woman. That’s what we all need to be—repenters—not just past tense, “I repented when I got saved,” but repenting today when I sin with my tongue and with my lips, when my spirit and the way in which I say the words isn’t appropriate. If I say too many words—repenting, saying, “Lord, fill me with Your Spirit afresh. Give me words of wisdom to speak."

By the way, I just referenced the way that we say what we say. Especially in our homes, that tone of voice is really important. Kindness is not just what you say. It’s how you say it.

The danger with speaking too quickly is that oftentimes we speak out of the anger of the moment, the irritation of the moment, without stopping to let God first settle our hearts. That’s why it’s not a bad idea to stop and count to ten before we open our mouth—but to say it with a tone that is kind.

Listen, your children will be far more responsive to your instruction if it comes with a kind tone. I know that it’s real easy when you’re with these same people all the time to start to get in a tone that’s nagging, that’s unpleasant, that’s critical, that’s demanding, that’s controlling, but that’s where we need to let the Lord give us His Spirit so that when we speak, those words will reflect that kind tone.

I quoted several sessions ago a passage about Sarah Edwards, who was the mother of eleven and the wife of Jonathan Edwards—who was a leader in the First Great Awakening.

This writer says that, “Sarah made it her rule to speak well of all so far as she could, with truth and justice to herself and others. She was not prone to dwell with delight on the imperfections and failings of any, and when she heard other people speaking ill of others, she would say what she thought she could with truth and justice in their excuse or divert the slander by mentioning those things that were commendable in them.”

In other words, if she heard somebody saying something unkind about someone else, she would try and change the conversation or divert the conversation or to say something encouraging about that person.

“Thus, she was careful of everyone’s character, even of those who injured and spoke evil of her. She could bear injuries and reproach with great calmness, without any disposition to render evil for evil, but on the contrary, she was ready to pity and forgive those who appeared to be her enemies.”

What a commitment—to speak well of all! That’s what the Scripture says we should do. In fact, Proverbs tells us that if you are the kind of woman who is contentious and critical with your tongue, that you will drive your family to the place where they would rather live on the roof or in an attic or out in a desert by themselves than to live in the same house with you.

I’ve been reading through the book of Proverbs recently, and this thing about contentious women has really been striking me—argumentative women, always debating, always arguing, not opening their mouth with wisdom and with kindness. You can drive your husband and your children and your friends away if you have that kind of spirit and that kind of tongue, so before you speak, ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say wise? Is it worth saying? Does it need to be said?”

You say, “My family won’t even know who I am if I start living this way.” Well, that’s okay. It will have an influence on them, too. Is it wise, and is it kind? Will it edify? Will it build up? Will it refresh my family members? Will it encourage them?

It’s important that you do say things that do encourage. Don’t just think, “Boy, I’ve got to go home, and now I can’t open my mouth. Now that I’ve heard this session, I can’t say anything else in my family.”

No, there are things you do need to say. Someone came up to me on a break just now and spoke encouraging words about what God was doing through the ministry of Revive Our Hearts. They stopped. They spoke words of encouragement. You need to do that with your family.

When’s the last time you affirmed—you praised—your husband? You need to praise your children when you see qualities in them that are worthy of praise—just simple words like “thank you.” “I appreciate that.” “Thank you for serving me in that way.” “Thank you for blessing me in that way.” “I really appreciated it when you did this.”

You know, you do so much more instruction, effective instruction, with that kind of language, than with words that are critical and tear down, so if it doesn’t meet those qualifications, if it’s not wise, if it’s not kind, don’t say it. Don’t say it.

Leslie: I think we’ll all be able to use that wise advice from Nancy Leigh DeMoss today, maybe within the next hour. While you’re learning to avoid words that tear other people down, would you also do something else? Share Revive Our Hearts with a friend. Use your words to tell them about a program that’ll build them up.
When I get together with a group of women, conversation naturally moves to topics like: “Who cut your hair?” “Where do you find clothes for your kids?” and, “What pediatrician do you use?” Well, along with making recommendation in hair stylists, doctors, and stores, why not tell your friends where to find practical, biblical teaching that will change their lives?

At ReviveOurHearts.com you’ll find a lot of helpful resources for spreading the word about this program. You can send a Revive Our Hearts e-card, or you can email a transcript. You’ll find details on these ideas and a lot more at ReviveOurHearts.com.

Here’s another great way to introduce your friend to one of the core messages of Revive Our Hearts. If your friend has never contacted us before, we’ll send her a book written by Nancy and some other wise, Godly women. It’s called Biblical Womanhood in the Home.

During our current series, if your friend has never gotten in touch with us, we’ll send them a free copy when they call 1-800-569-5959. They can also look for it at ReviveOurHearts.com, and of course, if you’ve never contacted Revive Our Hearts, you could get the book at no cost to you. If you have contacted us, we appreciate it so much, and you can ask for this helpful book when you make a donation of any amount.

Growing up, did you feel like your mom had eyes in the back of her head? That’s actually a mark of wisdom, and we’ll hear about it on Monday. Now, here’s Nancy to pray that we’ll learn to speak words of kindness and wisdom.

Nancy: Father, we really, really, really need Your help in this. We can’t do this on our own, and we’re around people who know just how to push our buttons. Often it’s the people we live with that are where it’s the hardest for us to apply this.

Lord, it’s not so hard for us sitting in this group, being with women who love the Lord and have a common interest in spiritual matters. It’s not hard here to speak words of wisdom and kindness, but I know some of these women are going back into homes where they have family members who don’t speak with wisdom and with kindness, where things are being said to them that are critical and unkind and hurtful.

It’s going to take all the power of Your Holy Spirit for those women to speak back words that are wise and kind, but you can do that in us and through us. We pray that you would for Jesus’ sake, amen.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is an outreach of Life Action Ministries.

All Scripture is taken from the New King James Version.

Copyright © 2005 Revive Our Hearts

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